Salsa

5 years ago I lived where I live now, in my Grandmother's house. At that time, my aunt and my Grandfather also lived here, but now its just my Grandmother and I. I spent 12-15 hours a day in the laundry room/studio, silkscreening. It was the first time I realized in my life that I didn't constantly 1. Think about boys 2. Think about food. I didn't even realize that I was alone other than my Grandparents and my aunt for 3 months! I had never felt loneliness then, so I was too naive to feel it.

Anyways there was a certain day where I went looking for a burrito. This town is totally Mexican so no sabia donde ir pero I just got in my car and drove around till I found one. It was really little and had a painting of a fish and the ocean on it. That burrito was hella good. I remember eating it outside, and afterwards I ate a fresh mango with cottage cheese on top. It's the only meal I remember from the summer. I must have been naive about more than loneliness, because I don't remember ever helping to buy groceries, contributing to the electric bill, or cleaning the bathroom...

Today I thought I'd try and find that Taqueria again. I remember that same summer I tried to go back and when I went it was closed, so in my mind it was one of those tricky Taquerias that is only open when it wants to be, and it appears in different places throughout town just to confuse people, but the burritos are so good that no one cares and they somehow keep their clientele. Anyways I found it and it was open. I parked my van on the street running in front of it, but a little bit back. I could see in and there was just one young mexicano eating in there. I did not want to walk in there and he looks at me and I can tell he is wondering why I am there and I speak spanish to order my food and I kind of want him to hear so that he thinks I am una china chilanga or something like that, and I mostly don't want him to hear because I'm embarrassed, what if he thinks WTF is this chinita trying to do? Is she stealing my culture? What right does she have! She speaks Spanish with an accent and we praise her but if I speak English with an accent people act like they dont understand me! She eats my food but she doesn't have to worry about labour, citizenship, la lejania de la familia!!! GET THE #^%! OUT OF THIS TAQUERIA!!!

I realize this is a good chance to practice being self possessed. At being alone without being defensive. I think about how what we put in our bodies can be socially constructed, I may not get this burrito because there is a single man inside that taquer---MEL! JUST BUY A BURRITO AND EAT IT. I go inside.

There is a t.v up on the wall with horse races on "Breeders Cup". The three of us watch the t.v in silence and wait. Finally a woman comes out from the back and brings some food to the guy in front of me, I step up to order, and what the heck I order in spanish. No tienen guacamole, ni birria--I feel like mixing it up so I get un burrito de barbacoa... La mujer brings it out to me a few minutes later, then goes back behind the counter and brings out some spicy red salsa and puts it on the table. I'm glad she did and I wonder if she thought about not bringing it out because maybe I wouldn't use it. I spoon it onto my burrito, the whole time wondering if that guy is watching me put it on, if I can legitimate myself with this salsa, if he approves, if he thinks I have a right to be there.