the age of fulfillment

i discovered in the slowly developing rebirth of the past few weeks that it is time now to "be nice to everyone". its scary to be nice to everyone. i used to open myself to people who i came across that also seemed open. in the past two years i learned that i didn't want to open myself to everyone who came knocking at my door and that to do so was 1.not necessary 2. wouldn't make me a "bad" person.

in the past two years i have learned the beauty of the sacred and the sacredness of choosing between good and bad. if it was one thing i learned in anthropology from my professor Marisol dela Cadena, it was that "good" and "bad" are not analytical terms. they dont say anything. they are too polarizing and too assumptive. growing up as a Baha'i, i was always taught to look for the good in everything and always be kind. yet in the past 2 years i have learned that there is good and there is better (if not good and bad), and there are people who will suck the energy out of you and it is in no way helpful to allow them to continue to suck your energy or abuse you. i began in a small personal way to implement justice to myself. and although i always believe that compassion and mercy are for individuals and justice is only for institutions (not the individuals right to judge anyone) at some point it comes down to not judging someone else but just taking care of ones own spiritual well-being and knowing our limits and not being colonized by anyone else. i learned in the past two years that it is not necessary to answer every question asked of me, befriend every person who stretches out their hand, or return every missed call.

having learned this, i've cycled and am now searching once again for OPENNESS (while still holding my own!)

i got an opportunity to test out this new way of being tonight - i came into my room and there was a beautiful vase of roses placed on top of my drawers by my grandmother. the room smelled like a garden and the roses were fresh and yellow. but whereas my grandmother sees only a drawer with messiness on top, a place to put some flowers, i have my altar and each object is placed in a specifically chosen spot. here is the small bowl malaquias' wife lezlie made and gave to me....there is the poem that i got from k. wayne trang after 6 months and a chance meeting....theres my pandeiro from Akka, Israel... i just recently placed my new oak burle and deers rib from the mountains...

when i saw those beautiful flowers, my first reaction was a mute horror, i immediately removed the vase from my altar and put it on the ground. this was my sacredness and someone had just plopped some other energy right into the middle of it! seconds later i realized this was my first challenge in a new space. my grandmother had thought of me, given me a gift, something beautiful, and i was refusing to let it in to my life. those 2-3 seconds after putting the roses on the ground were a crucial moment and i realized i must build a new pathway, pattern of reaction. i picked it back up as if going against my own will, but placed it back where it had been with conviction. a little more angled to where my chi felt good with it there, but in an acceptance of the beauty of a gift given with love even if it was unknowingly "interfering" with my sacredness. im looking at it now and it doesn't seem to interfere, rather it has given more life to my altar.